


tell me i'm okay (or even something in the ballpark would be nice)

by constanted



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Crushes, F/F, Gen, Get High In A Boat! Tell Your Friend A Secret!, Heart-to-Heart, M/M, Mid-Episode 84, Recreational Drug Use, background Beauregard Lionett/Jester, background Caduceus Clay/Fjord, beau talk about your feelings 2k19 challenge (she is doing better than him), caduceus talk about your feelings 2k19 challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2021-01-28 23:20:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21400294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/constanted/pseuds/constanted
Summary: On the Ball-Eater, a late night conversation regarding tattoos, feelings for teammates, and the personalities of birds.(or: that menagerie coast sure does produce some prime recipients for awkward crushes.)
Relationships: Caduceus Clay & Beauregard Lionett
Comments: 22
Kudos: 144





	tell me i'm okay (or even something in the ballpark would be nice)

**Author's Note:**

> i'm still working on my cr character voices, and so, here is my third caduceus-pov fic in a month, i guess. i just think he's neat. have some gay/lesbian solidarity.
> 
> warnings for Vague Fantasy Weed Equivalent, mild sex talk, socially stunted high wis characters, and professor thaddeus. title from "(tell me i'm okay) patrick" from crazy ex-girlfriend.

The crow’s nest of the Ball-Eater is a precarious thing, scorch-marks still visible on its beams from that _Wall of Fire _Caleb put up. Which feels like a lifetime ago. And maybe it was, for some kind of plant or creature or fungus, its whole lifespan contained between that fire going up and now. It’s been five months, at this point, Caduceus thinks. That’s what Caleb said, when Jester found a different scorch-mark earlier. “It adds character,” Fjord had said.

Regardless of battle scars and time’s passage, Caduceus is sat in the crow’s nest, taking a moment to breathe. Some part of him missed this. Not a lot. But a little bit. The ocean is still vast and terrifying, but it is beautiful, it is divine. And the moonlight cast down on it only grants all four of those traits more clarity.

He told Fjord he’d be in their old cabin soon. He said that a pretty long time ago. Everyone’s asleep, exhausted from a heavy meal or a night of tattooing. And sleeping is smart of them, and he ought to follow suit, but it’s so nice outside and there’s an odd part of him that’s self-isolating, still, after all this time. Not that he ever needed to be self-isolating, he supposes, given that others did the work for him, and then dismisses the thought, because he’s better than that kind of thinking.

And he’s not alone, anyway. Not anymore. In general, and also because there’s a familiar sound of climbing and jumping near him, and, cast in candlelight, there’s Beau. “What are you doing up?” he asks.

“Could ask the same of you.”

“I’m elven,” which is the lazy, joking excuse he and Calliope would give to Corrin when asked why they weren’t in bed. It results in a very familiar stare from Beau. So it’s still a bad excuse, then. Good to know.

“You’re not the kind of elven that doesn’t sleep. Don’t try and pull the weird fey shit on me, dude, you snore like a fucking monster.”

“I _was_ trying to pull the weird fey stuff on you, but. Snoring? You and I are equally monstrous. What are you doing up?”

“The tattoo hurts to sleep on. Why are _you _up?”

“Because I’d like to be up. Do you want healing?”

“Nah, it’s just sore.” She rubs at it, a little bit. “If you have one of your herbal things, though, that’d be cool.” And he produces a balm that should work from the pack on his waist, beeswax and chasedevil.

“It’ll numb the pain and stop any… does it itch?” Jester said it itched.

“It itches.”

“Yeah, it should stop itching, too.” He traces it around the bright green triangle, the eye, the small details and intricacies of it all. It’s really lovely; Orly had said it was for wisdom and it certainly shows off that energy. “There we go. It looks really nice, by the way. All of them do. I’m kind of jealous, really,” and he laughs.

“You could’ve gotten one.”

He sighs, thinks about disapproving looks. “Not really approved of in the family. If I did get one, I’d have to keep it hidden, and that’s just… inconvenient.”

“My parents fuckin’ hate tattoos.” Beau nods. Beau’s parents never sound good, never sound nice. He often wonders how she came out like herself. He imagines a rock tumbler. He hates it. He thinks of how his family might come off to the Nein. He doesn’t think hard on it. And it’s quiet, for a little bit. Beau puts her hair down, Caduceus lets his braid out. It’s a nice symmetry of motions, a familiar sensation of chosen vulnerability. Seven months, Caduceus thinks, and they are choosing vulnerability. He’s proud of the Nein. He’s proud of himself, though he wouldn’t admit to it. 

“You have anything to smoke?” she asks, after she seems to grow bored of the quiet. He nods. Pulls out some bloomdown, places it in a bowl, lights it aflame. “I grow it under the tree, just so you know. You’re free to take it.”

The smoke fills the air. Sweet and calming. It’s a good scent.

“How was the… boys’ day out?”

“Well, we weren’t repeatedly stabbing ourselves with gem-coated needles, so I’d say that’s a plus. And the food was good. Can’t really go wrong with potatoes and vinegar.” He shrugs. “And it’s nice to. Talk with with those two. I mean, it’s nice to talk with any of you. Or anyone! But. You understand what I mean.”

“The needle shit was kinda fun.” Beau shrugs as well. “And. Uh. Jester’s fuckin’ ripped, always a great thing to remember.”

“She is _very _strong,” he nods. There’s something weird in Beau’s tone, though. And in her eyes. Ghosts are terrible at sharing gossip, so he can’t resist a _little _bit of interesting news where he can get it, having been deprived of it so long. “Why are you looking wistful?”

“I’m not _wistful_.”

“You’re _absolutely _wistful.”

“You’re absolutely a dick.”

He hums. “Maybe so.”

“I think that Jester’s hot in a—in a totally platonic, friendly way. Like. I think my friends are hot. Dairon’s hot. I’m not into Jester.”

He’s a little bit confused at her bringing _that _up. “I never accused you of that. But _aren’t _you? Not to say that I know much about romance, but, well. You do certainly get wistful around her a lot. And that’s in all the books that she reads.”

“Yeah, because they’re overdramatic pornos. You’re _always _looking wistful, that mean you’re into everyone?”

"No,” he says, and then, because Beau likes secrets and can typically keep her mouth shut, “Just Fjord. Must be something in the ocean that makes them more appealing.” And he smirks as her face contorts. And then he blushes, because he’s not said those words about Fjord out loud yet, and he is already regretting them. And he doesn't regret much.

But he’s getting a reaction from Beau. So that’s a win, he thinks? “You’re evil.”

“I know. So, your feelings for Jester. How are you dealing with them?”

“You don’t know anything about romance, so I’m not taking your advice.” Which is absolutely fair.

“The amount of seductions you’ve pulled off _in front of me_ makes me think you know a lot about romance, but, then, you’d probably tell me to pursue this, which is… not my goal, here. Anyway. You’re usually not embarrassed about these kinds of things. Why are you embarrassed about this? You flirted with,” and he cuts himself off, because maybe bringing Yasha up is insensitive, “Reani. And Keg. While we travelled with them, and that didn’t—“

“Because they’re… not Jester. Jester wants a fuckin’… fairytale erotica love interest.” Erotica is porn, kind of. He thinks he remembers Caleb and Jester making a distinction. They’re both sexual. “And she’s Jester, so she’ll fuckin’ find him. And it’s gonna be a _him_, here—“

“She was sweet on that girl at the bakery in Uthodurn—that was. That was a pun.” He needs to clarify. Because he’s _really _trying to get better at jokes, and he’d like the others to know. “I mean, there were cupcakes involved, but nevertheless. And she always talks about how—well. How beautiful various women are. I don’t really get it. I mean, I understand the appeal, but. Not in the way Jester does.”

“I think Jes is just like that.”

“She was also, uh. And I shouldn’t share this. Kind of down in the dumps when you ran off with Reani. If you can forgive me for gossiping. Again, not really sure how any of this works, outside of Cal's… discouraged, let’s say, tryst with a half-elf from Shadycreek, who was actually really nice, just, uh, extraordinarily lovely, and then the romance books, and then my own feelings, but. Well. That’s something.”

Beau looks at him for a long time, and says, “You’re fucking weird.”

“I’ve been told.”

“It’s easier when it’s just. Oh, she’s hot, casual sex, totally forget about it in the future so nothing’s weird, but—with Jes, it’s like—I want to _confide _in her, and shit. Like… I want her to be happy all the time. And I know that’s, like. Basic friendship. I’m not really good at having friends, though, and. Uh.”

“I think you’re good at having friends.”

“How many friends do you have again?”

“That’s fair. So you’re good at having friends who don’t have other friends. That’s good. That means your friends are usually difficult to befriend. I think. Am I difficult to befriend?”  


“You’re seven feet tall and you glow in the dark, which is real fuckin’ offputting, but you’re, like, alarmingly nice so it balances out. Have I become less abrasive since we met?”

“I mean, I liked you off the bat, but, uh, I guess? You’re more honest with your feelings. I’m really proud of you for that, by the way.” And Beau gives him her usual Don’t-Try-To-Compliment-Me Look, and he acquiesces, mostly because he’s tired and so is she, so she won’t listen, anyway. “So. Why not just. I don’t know how this works. Tell Jester. Don’t her books all have dramatic confessions? I remember in the one with the orc, there were a lot of tears involved.”

“Why don’t you tell Fjord?”  


“Because I don’t think he’d return the feelings I have, and it might give him the wrong impression of my intentions with his, uh, spiritual journey.”

“Caleb jokes that _commune _is an innuendo.”

He’s a bit taken aback, there. “For what?”

“_Dude_. Sex.”

“Why would we talk to the Wildmother while—? I mean, I guess it is Her domain, considering, but—huh.”

Beau blinks, owlish. Like Professor Thaddeus. “Don’t want to think about that, no, please don’t talk to god while you’re having sex. Like. As advice. From me to you. Do not call up your goddess mid-fuck. No matter what. I don't think... look, I don't know what dudes are into, and I also don't care, but it's definitely not _that_."

He considers making a joke about how She’s always watching, because Nott and Fjord and Beau have all made sex jokes about Watching before, but he decides against it, because he might be getting the implications wrong, there. And he sees a large bird fly over them, so he says, “Might’ve found Thaddeus,” because he’s still caught up in that thought, a little bit. And Beau shakes her head.

“That bird’s too chill. Thaddeus flew like an asshole. Also, I think it’s a pelican. And I’m not gonna do a porn novel confession for Jes because I am not a porn novel character. I’m her friend, and I don’t wanna make that weird, because, as previously stated, I don’t have the best record with maintaining friendships.”

He’s met a lot of birds that were assholes, so he does have to agree with her on that. And the bird’s beak is pretty big. And Beau is _definitely _not a porn novel character. So he says, “A lot of birds are assholes, I think.”

“Do they… okay, I should know this by now. But do they talk back to you?”

“No, but I can catch their vibe. And a lot of them are unpleasant. Bigger birds and toads, those are usually the rude ones. Briar, too, in terms of plants, and any evergreen tree. Evergreens are _way_ too sure of themselves. I don’t like it. It’s not bad to have confidence, but they’re obnoxious about it.”

There’s another stretch of silence. Beau takes more of the beeswax and brushes it on her neck, mindlessly. 

Beau, quite suddenly, has a look in her eye that means… something. “Wait,” she starts, “Cad. Caddyshack. Have you ever had a crush before?”

“I don’t know if this is a crush. That feels wrong. I mean. I have feelings for him and I think he’s very handsome. And. Well. I mean, there was a graverobber who was pretty handsome a long time back, but I didn’t actively pursue him. I might have killed him, actually. Wait—no, that wasn’t—yeah, no I didn’t kill that one.” He killed the elf, not the tiefling. Of the two handsome graverobbers in that period of time. The tiefling, he just gave some choice words to. “Have you ever had an… emotional crush before? Where you want to—“

“No, fuck you, don’t talk about your tragic backstory, I’m trying to make fun of you for having bad taste.”

“Caleb’s handsome, too, and I guess there was something there, for a little bit—not really, though. Not my type. I don't think.“

Beau guffaws. “You’re making it _easier! _For me to make fun of you! Holy _shit_!”

“I know. I can’t fault _you_ for bad taste, unfortunately. I liked Reani, too, she was good for you. But you and Jester fit well. I’m trying to think of a comparison. Like. Uh. Okay.”

“Is it time for a metaphor?” Beau asks. “Are you therapizing me?”

“No, I’m looking for a similie. She’s like a—“

“Let’s not go too deep into this, you’ve put some potent shit in the air.”

“That’s very true.”

She nods her head at him. “Okay. Okay. So. My pain is numb. And you talked about your feelings. And I talked about mine. Which is exhausting for both of us. So. We should go to bed.”

“Definitely.”

“Wanna promise to not be weird about any information exchanged tonight?”

He shakes her hand.

“I won’t share if you won’t. Unless, for some reason, we need a dramatic love confession to save the group. That happens in a lot of Jester’s books. I’ve been going through some, because my Common’s not great and it’s probably good that I improve? There are a lot of near-death love confessions that save the day because of magic.”

“I sincerely doubt that we’ll need those, but okay.”

“_Raise Dead_.”

“I don’t know what that spell does. Other than raise the dead.”

“Yeah. It does that." He smiles. Hopefully, it won't get to the point where they need to know more. Probably, it will, but Caduceus tries to maintain faith. So he decides to not explain. "Okay. Goodnight.”

And they climb down together, and it’s just like that.

And it’s good, at least, to not be alone. Caduceus would prefer to not be alone again, if he’s honest.

**Author's Note:**

> comment kudo etc please thank you!  
tumblr @yahooanswer


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